Can a woman object to becoming a co-wife?
There is a prevalent notion among Muslim men that a woman shouldn’t have a say if her husband decides to marry another wife. As the Quran permits, “marry whichever women seem good to you, two, three, or four. If you fear that you cannot be equitable, then marry only one” (Surah Nisa Ayah 3). Yet can a woman object to becoming a ‘co-wife’? And can she stipulate in her marriage contract, safeguards against the potentiality of being a ‘co-wife’? The answer for several Muslim men is a resounding ‘no’. However, in all the cases I’ve discussed this issue, I’ve found that justifying why a woman shouldn’t have a say regarding becoming a ‘co-wife’ is more of an emotional and personal subjective endeavour, rather than an Islamic or legal one. At the heart of this issue is that of fairness. Is it harmful to the woman if her husband decides to marry another against her wishes and permission? The answer to this question should be obvious. Yes, it can be harmful. But I’ve found that many Muslim men fail to explore this truly through the prophetic sunna.
The hadith I mention below is important to this discussion, and yet often ignored or left out by many. Not only can we derive benefit from this hadith, but the way Imam Bukhari has also categorised this hadith by using precise chapter headings (tarajim) provides valuable insight into how he viewed it, and why he included it in his Sahih. In my attempt, I have broken the hadith in to four parts considering Imam Bukhari’s catergorisation.
باب ذَبِّ الرَّجُلِ عَنِ ابْنَتِهِ، فِي الْغَيْرَةِ وَالإِنْصَافِ
Chapter of the man defending his daughter in jealousy and fairness (Imam Bukhari)
Sahih al-Bukhari: kitab al-nikah, bab dhabi ar-rajul an abnatih fi al-ghayrat wa al-insaf
It was narrated by Al-Miswar bin Makhrama that he heard the Messenger saying while on the pulpit, that Banu Hisham bin al-Mughira had requested him (the Messenger) to allow them to marry their daughter to Ali bin Abu Talib.
ذَبِّ الرَّجُلِ عَنِ ابْنَتِهِ
The man defending his daughter
But the Messenger didn’t give permission and stated that he wouldn’t give permission unless Ali bin Abi Talib divorced his daughter Fatima to marry their daughter.
فِي الْغَيْرَةِ
In jealousy
The Messenger further explained that Fatimah ‘is a part of my body’, and that he hated what Fatima hated to see.
وَالإِنْصَافِ
And (in) fairness
The messenger ended by saying that what hurt his daughter Fatima, hurt him also.
Hadith
Narrated Al-Miswar bin Makhrama: I heard Allah’s Messenger who was on the pulpit, saying, “Banu Hisham bin al-Mughira have requested me to allow them to marry their daughter to `Ali bin Abu Talib, but I don’t give permission, and will not give permission unless `Ali bin Abi Talib divorces my daughter in order to marry their daughter, because Fatima is a part of my body, and I hate what she hates to see, and what hurts her, hurts me.”
Sahih al-Bukhari: kitab al-nikah, bab dhabi ar-rajul an abnatih, fi al-ghayrat wa al-insaf (Sunnah.com, Bukhari: 5230)
Imam Bukhari helps us understand three things from this hadith:
- There appears to be an apparent basis in the sunna for a woman to choose to stipulate safeguards in her marriage contract against the potentiality of being a ‘co-wife’. As the Messenger himself stipulated (after his daughter’s nikah) that he wouldn’t give permission (for Banu Hisham bin al-Mughira to marry their daughter to Ali) unless Ali bin Abi Talib divorced his daughter Fatima to marry their daughter.
- The Messenger knew that Fatima would ‘hate’ to see Ali entertain the idea of another wife from Banu Hisham bin al-Mughira. ‘He (the Messenger) hated what Fatima hated to see’.
- The Messenger also knew that this proposal to Ali would hurt Fatima, ‘what hurts her, hurts me’. This suggests that there is a basis in the sunna to argue that a woman can be harmed by the act of her husband taking a second wife. Furthermore, it also suggests that such harm should be avoided, as the Messenger said that such harm that hurts his daughter, would hurt him also.
Many contemporary scholars have spoken on this issue with varying opinions. However, the vast majority advise against the taking of a second wife without the blessing of the first. Shaykh Abdur-Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera discusses this topic in his book.
To be clear, I do not encourage the taking of a second wife without the first wife’s blessing, involvement and permission (which can be difficult, if not impossible, to get)…
…A woman finding herself in a polygamous situation in which her rights are not being preserved should seek help. And a woman who is being proposed to by a man who is already officially married to another needs to consider her situation very well. Remember, he will not be able to marry you as a civilly recognised wife, unless he civilly divorces his wife first, since bigamy is illegal in most Western countries. Hence, you are most likely to be unofficially married to him in a religious nikah, which will make you halal for each other. However, since there is no official recognition for this type of marriage, he could very easily give you a talaq one day and disappear, and you will have no protection or recourse to anything from him.
Therefore, the option of having more than one wife, which is a prophetic sunna and a potential solution to certain social problems, is sadly used by some as a tool for abuse and exploitation and this needs to stop.
It is very sensible that every couple sits down to discuss polygamy even if it is something that they do not plan to consider. This is simply so that both can be open and candid about the subject, gauge the other’s views on it and ensure that it is not left as the elephant in the room and open to conjecture.
Abdur-Rahman Ibn Yusuf, Handbook of a healthy Muslim marriage : unlocking the secrets to ultimate bliss, (White Thread Press, 2019), 190–92.
Allah knows best.
